Metalhead Crowdsource Request

Look, my first bleg!

I’m working on a project regarding metal and suicide. I’m looking at the old (and not so old) hysteria on the matter, but it’s not my intended focus. I could use some help from my fellow metalheads out there. I am trying to compile a list of metal songs since 1985 that have suicide as a theme. Specifically, I am interested in songs that address the suicide/attempted suicide of someone other than the writer/speaker. These can be ones that seem self-evidently about suicide, that you and/or others infer to be about suicide, or those the musician (or the lyricist, if not the recording artist) has explicitly described as having this theme. I have a list started, but I know I am missing a bunch of them, and I am happy to have duplicate responses (in fact, that would likely end up being helpful). I’m less interested in, though happy to hear about, those in which the writer/speaker is discussing her/himself. All genres of metal are welcome.

If you can submit any ideas, please comment here, on Twitter (solitarykitsch), or email solitarykitsch (at) gmail (dot) com. Otherwise, I’d be grateful if you could share with our folks in metal.

Will keep anyone interested posted as this develops.

Thanks!

~SK

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2016 Memories, Item the First: Walking Absurdity

2016, as everyone is already perfectly aware, has done its level best to suck. And, more often than not, it has succeeded. With style–2016, I’ll give you that. You certainly kicked ass. Just not the awesome way (usually). The really sucky way (mostly).

While wandering around spending far too much on gifts in the vague hope of bringing smiles and joy to people I care about (consumerism FTW!), I suddenly and for no reason I’ve been able to discern remembered the absurd beginning to my year. I decided in the 5.40839 seconds that followed that what I really needed to do was to write about all the ways in which 2016 dabbled in the brilliantly weird.

img_4072My year began, though this is not the story that came to mind, at a Motley Crue show. Their “last.” I believe they ended right at or very nearly at midnight, so I began the year covered in a shit ton of red, white and black confetti. It was fun. I had assumed that it would take until, roughly, dawn to get back to Huntington from downtown LA, and I was more than a bit surprised to find myself alone on the 405.

The entire way.

img_4096I slept for a spell and then my year really started: on my pier, coffee in hand, watching the surfers take on early morning flat waters.

With a pelican.

So, 2016 started with a fair amount of absurd, probably the most stunning of which was the 405.

But nothing about January 1 indicated–though the close proximity of the bird and the 35 minute drive from LA to Huntington Beach should have been clues–suggested the absurdity of what I would find myself doing a few weeks later, when I was in far different weather, far from CA, and in a city with no open coffee shops.

It was hell. Or DC, whichever you prefer.

Some of you may recall the Snowmaggendon of 2016 shutting Washington DC down for several days. I certainly do, since I was stuck there until the airports reopened. I think that amounted to an additional 3 days, but I can’t remember at the moment. In any event, it was actually at least a month.

Because, no coffee. Well, that’s not strictly true, the baristas in my hotel couldn’t leave any more than the rest of us, so the hotel put them up for the nights and they kept us in coffee so long as they could. I thanked them profusely every time they forked over a cup.img_4166

Now, me in blizzard conditions–or snow of any sort, for that matter–is absurd. I’ll go to great lengths to avoid it. Like moving to coastal CA. Worked like a charm. But, blizzard conditions and snow it was last January. The snow began shortly after we arrived–I believe on Wednesday–I got to watch the blizzard conditions out my hotel window, but I quickly started to go stir crazy and went for a walk.

I had no idea what this “whiteout condition” thing of which some of you people speak was, but I do now. I find the choice to live somewhere that does that to be suspect. Those who live out there likely find my choice to go for a walk in blizzard conditions to be even more suspect. And you would be right. Can we all just be thankful for a moment that I had appropriate (mostly) outerwear with me?

And this, my friends, is not the absurd part.

img_4239No, the absurd part came one fine morning after the worst of the weather was gone but before the snow started to melt. Everything was still quite closed (including Arlington National Cemetery, as I would find out when a nice soldier informed me at the top of her lungs).  It was a lovely day with a bright blue sky, and I had nothing to do. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to run the 13 miles I’d scheduled for that day, since I didn’t trust myself to stay upright on the snow-ice-stuff while running.

img_4213Instead, I went for what would turn out to be a 14 mile walk. In the snow. I was, for some reason, hell-bent on getting my 13 miles that day. Only, while I know DC fairly well and can navigate on foot, there were two pressing problems. One, the snow obscured enough stuff to make navigation a tad less simple. And, two, the snow was pretty freaking deep.

It started very well. That would be my knee below the snow line, if anyone is wondering. This is pretty indicative of the whole 5 or so hours I spent trekking through the snow in denim and leather boots. I fell several times and had to backtrack or outright change my intended route  because of snow making places impassable. Or, you know, not–and plowing right on through the snow that was up to my hips. Because, why the hell not.

At no point in this adventure that wrapped around the White House (twice), the Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and King monuments, hopped down to the nearly hidden Vietnam Memorial Wall, wandered out to Arlington and back (rather more quickly), and walked up to the Capitol Building, did it occur to me that I didn’t really have to do this. On the one hand, it was fun–I never get to do anything of this sort. On the other, it was miserable. I was cold, wet, covered in ice and snow, and, well, cold.

You know, when I started thinking this through, I was thinking about it as an absurdity that 2016 thrust upon me. But, in writing this out, it’s an absurdity I thrust myself into that happened to be in the year we should consider never speaking of again. And, indeed, every other example probably fits that description.

I’m beginning to suspect that wandering with the absurd was a coping mechanism.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zacky V and the Christmas Tree

Dear gods does that ever sound like the beginning of some misbegotten piece of real person fanfiction that I probably would have gleefully written at age 14. Probably did. [Insertnameofprobablyabassistordrummerhere and the Christmas Tree].

However, that is not what this is.  “This” is all the way at the bottom of the post if you want to be that reader who has to know the end first. This is also a story of an improbable day that begin with a 20-mile run at 5:30 in the morning that would be the end of several very, very dark mental days.

The run, for the record, kind of sucked, though it was in one of my favorite places, and I could see the ocean. For those who may read this who also follow me on FB, you know I spend about a quarter of my time working south of home. You know when I am there because I torture you with pictures of sunrises taken while I watch surfers and drink coffee. My spirit animal/place/thing (yes, I am being deliberately vague. Why should become clear).

After my 20-miler (that, though it sucked, I finished at a 9:51 pace for the final mile–suck it, brain), I walked back to my (other) apartment (don’t I sound fancy? It’s a room. With a Murphy Bed and not even a hotplate or coffee maker, don’t get all excited), which is about a mile and half from the shore (which makes up for the small and non-hot-plateness) if I head to my favorite coffee shop (which makes up for the no coffee maker). Which, of course, I did.

Wandering to my favorite  post-run resting place for coffee-guzzling, I look up and see Zacky V on a ladder, Christmas lights in hand. I know good and damn well that my big ass deathbat tattoo is visible (running shorts!), and I have this intense and possibly ridiculous concern about making him uncomfortable (you know, no one who likes the band lives in the same area. Of course), so I sidestep to keep my leg hidden, but catch his eye nonetheless.

He’s fucking beaming. Hanging lights and looking utterly beside himself. I congratulate him on the fine job he’s doing, and he says “Thank you, man!” He’s gleeful. I’m a bit gobsmacked.

I should explain something here, because I wasn’t just sucking up. I love Christmas lights. Most readers (since most of you do, indeed, know me) will realize that this is merely an offshoot of my love of all things gaudy. Sparkle is my friend and close companion. Sequins are next to godliness. My aunt sent a picture of a pink Christmas tree to me this year, not because I love pink so much, but because it was tacky as hell and would look FABULOUS with a couple carefully arranged flamingos.

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Peacocks and feathers? You should have seen my mantle a few years ago, to say nothing of the AMAZING wreath I had at the time.

Oh, wait! You can!

Because I am such a klutz and so bad with heights, I’ve never done much with exterior lighting, so I deeply appreciate those who do.

Where I presently reside (3/4 of the time), there aren’t many kids and, I suppose as consequence, not much in the way of holiday exterior decor. But, in my spirit animal/place, there is much, much, much to be found. Like dozens and dozens of Clark Griswolds (there is one corner about two blocks from the shore that I could just stand on and stare at the exterior lighting battles going on for hours. I didn’t, but I could. I wasn’t there for more than like 20 minutes. Really.) all over the place doing battle for the most holiday spirit via lights, garland, really big balls, and reindeer. When I walk around (which I do quite a bit of when there), I talk to more people than I ever do in my daily life. And during the holidays, I chat up the decorators, because I am so very pleased and grateful.

To wit: there is a house, and I now know the true meaning of picture window, by the way, with two giant stuffed reindeer artfully (because how else) arranged in the picture window. They are so freaking big and realistic (and wearing bells and whatnot!) that I had to get uncomfortably close to the house to assure myself these were stuffed animals and not taxidermy. I am still not sure, and I confess to having been a bit concerned about approaching the artists involved.

So, back to the story.

Because of the brain crap, I hadn’t even been arsed to put up a tree. In fact, as I came to find out, I had thrown my fake tree away last year. I think because I had donated just one too many quarts of blood to the damn thing. I grew up with fake trees. I have nothing against a fine fake tree. In fact, the faker, less tree-like the tree, the better. Hence the flamingo pink tree my aunt found. I never quite got used to having real trees, so I abandoned the notion when I moved out here (well, after the cats broke the last real one, but that’s another tale).

In my real life, I haven’t been able to even get my tree up (or discover that I didn’t even have a tree anymore), and here I am watching a man just absolutely delighted in Christmas lights. Utterly, visibly delighted. I was kind of expecting him to start skipping.

I sat in my favorite coffee-guzzle space, which is still in sight of the decorating festivities, and marveled at the whole affair. As was pointed out by one of the other local decorators, a curmudgeonly soul near the coffee shop, my offering of cheers about the decorating meant I had to come back when the lights were all on to really see the awesomeness.

So, after dinner, I wandered around looking at all of the places I had seen getting set up. Candy canes, santas, icicle lights, and that starshower thingy they’ve been advertising of late (there were a shit ton of those around). It was fabulous. And, because I had to see the end result (and because it was on my way unless I wanted to add a whole lot of walking, which, having started the day with 20–remember that?–I wasn’t especially inclined to do), I walked back to Zack’s.

It was dark (as you do if you want to see lights) and a weird hybrid and warm/chilly that had me taking off my hoodie and putting it back on over and over again. As I come around the corner, who should I spy but Zacky himself, admiring his work. I asked if that was what he was doing, and he affirmed that it was.

We talked for a bit, and the jist of it was how happy he was. He was clearly proud of the work–it was, he said, the first time he’d done this by himself–and, in spite of the dark, I could see the sparkle in his eyes (aided, no doubt, by all the Christmas lights). I don’t know jack about anything else in his life, save what he chooses to post, but I do know that he had one of the happiest lilts in his voice that I’ve heard in a very long time.

And, weirdly, it broke through something.

I’m now back to my 3/4 home. And I have a tree up. A gaudy, unmistakably me tree. And while I can credit the glee in his voice for kicking something over in my head Saturday night, let me assure you that the gaudy is all me. His lighting scheme is not, granted, the pent-up WASPy candle and wreath in each  window and white lights only thing, but, it is also not as delightfully tacky as my 6.5 ft silver tree with multi-colored lights and a Star Wars blanket as a tree skirt. That sucker is all me.

It also lacks stuffed reindeer, for which I think I am grateful, where it equals both his exterior decor (and if he has giant stuffed reindeer indoors, that is both his business and my delight to NOT know) and my townhouse.15391087_10155695169399968_7229143992720904047_n

Anyway, that’s the story of how Zacky V saved Christmas shared his joy with someone who, clearly unbeknownst to him, really, really needed it. Consequently, he bears some responsibility for the big-ass silver tree, covered in sparkly (and, um, not-quite sparkly) ornaments, now in my living room.

Thank you, man.

Reclaiming 18

The last time I tried to run 18 miles was January 2016. I came up with some horrible back and forth route, and when I got out of the car that morning I realized I didn’t want to run. At all. And if I did run, I would hate every step.

Hating every step of 18 miles would almost certainly lead to hating running. Inexorably. And I can’t afford to hate running.

So, I didn’t. I went home and drank coffee, after emailing the marathon I was training for and asking to drop back to the half. In fact, I emailed them before I even left the parking lot. I felt great that day, like I was recognizing what I needed to do to take care of myself in the long run (yeah, avoid the long run in support of the long run…whatever).

I haven’t attempted 18 since then. In fact, I’d not gone beyond 13.1 until a few weeks ago when I ran 14. And the 16 last week. And then 18 today. It felt a little magical. Reclaiming something I had to give up in order to…survive is really over-the-top here, but it’s all I can think to say.

I ran 3 marathons last year (2015), along with 5 or 6 half marathons. I ate horribly, cross-trained worse, so by the time that 18-miler came, I had absolutely nothing left.

A year (almost) later, I found it again. Not that this was the greatest long run ever. It wasn’t. Decidedly wasn’t, as it happens. I had to walk (way more than I wanted to) because my legs were so stiff from sitting on the floor all day yesterday in front of what passes as my desk at home. I had to more or less trick myself into completing 18 by forcing myself to run 6 miles out (so that I had to run 12 at the very least) and then running a 1 mile out and back from there 3 times. Because I could pack it in at any point and still have more than 12.

I can’t begin to say how much today’s run is reflective of my life in general, particularly the having to effectively lie to myself to get something done (like the laundry I am presently ignoring…). That need to engage in cognitive dissonance (because, you know, I do know that I am lying. I do have that much together). That’s why the last 18–the one that didn’t happen–was so remarkable. I got honest for a moment. I didn’t just run (sorry) headlong into whatever. And, in fact, I didn’t run more races that I planned to run than ones I actually ran this year.

I’d call it recovery, but I did 18 today, so that seems a touch off.

So, next week is 20. The last time I did 20 was during the Long Beach Marathon in 90+ degree weather. It was wretched. I listened to “So Far Away” on repeat for miles, practically sobbing (except I was too dehydrated for tears) in both exhaustion and something in the lyrics that just kept beating me up (and keeping me moving):

Sleep tight I’m not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
‘Cause as soon as I’m done I’ll be on my way
To live eternally–Avenged Sevenfold, “So Far Away”

It was the penultimate line, in particular. Possibly because I was just not sure I’d make it to the end (I did. couldn’t cry then either).

Today, I listened to The Stage on repeat, and “Angels” in particular (well, “Sunny Disposition” got several repeats as well. It’s the horns. Love the horns. Okay, and the voice.). They’ve gotten me through every race since 2010. Really grateful that they are still creating. Really grateful for each and every step I took today, even the ones I needed to lie to myself to take. And especially the ones that only happened because I got lost in their music.

 

The Darkness Seems to Know Just Where I am

The title comes from (no surprise here) a song–“Angels” by Avenged Sevenfold.  The song is–for me–hypnotic.

TL;DR: Imposter syndrome in a depression sauce and served with sides of well-turned guilt and seasoned need to make it all better for you.

The title might just be a little too on the nose for this year. I’ve not experienced depression of this magnitude in a long time (4 years, to be specific), and while I can point to some situations (DD*’s sickness and death, yes, SEK’s sickness and death, the fucking  election, etc.) that either precipitated the onset or would have shin-kicked me anyway, the fact is that it’s not just situational. The darkness found me–I’m not sure it had to look all that hard–and it is so very, very dark.

It’s not December 2012 bad (ohpleaseno), but bad. People are noticing. People who should not be noticing, are. They are even starting to ask. They are concerned that I’ve lost my sparkle.

I, personally, am surprised to hear I had one.

We’ll say little of the complete strangers who stop me to tell me it will be ok. I seem to be wearing the darkness, rather than just stewing over it. And man does that ever make me feel guilty.

I got honest about it over the summer. I said out loud that the weather was crushing my spirit. I thought being honest about it would be the right thing to do, but I was perhaps not honest enough. Or honest to the right people. I’m not even sure at this point. During the summer (or lack thereof–the fog, oh the fog is killing me<–drama queen), when I realized things were dark again, I tried to do what I am supposed to do. Sort of.

"Supposed to do" turned into taking an online course about classical music. I admit that it is possible I missed the details on this self care thing.

I’ve so much I want to write, but I don’t know how to get the words on the page. They are rattling about my head in their muddled masses and just not dropping.

There are words that never found my lips/There are words I’d soon forget/Thought the trick was never to look back/But it seems I’ve lost my grip, I slip/The faster we run now, the closer the gun now/And somehow all the bullets bear my name.

 
I should be happy. It’s the job I wanted. It’s the place I have been trying to return to for 37 years. It’s where, I think, I am supposed to be. Good things have happened since summer. Really good, awe-inspiring things. A hand, a smile, a work of art I never expected.

And yet.

The weight of the darkness keeps coming back each time I think I’ve shaken it off. Even when I don’t look back. I have it better than most. Way better. I have people dear to me who have been cut much closer to the bone this year than I have a right to pretend to. I’m used to feeling like an imposter in my professional life (and boy howdy do I ever right now), but I can’t recall feeling it so clearly in my personal life before.

Took the road but should have chased the stars/ Now I’ve lost my own way home/Had a photo of the time we shared/But I burned it long ago…

I even, this is fun, feel an imposter in writing about depression. Other people have it worse. Suck it up. But I feel so lost right now. And forget chasing stars. Those words right above speak so loudly to me (earworm loud, but if I use DD’s recommended song, I’ll just be on the floor for the following hour), but I have absolutely no idea why, and I don’t think it is a matter of #thatvoice alone. I’m sure my head will reveal all at some point (it always does and often quite rudely), but I’m just living with the words in my head for right now.

I realizing in typing this out that the darkness is both metaphor and reality. This year has been a bastard of a year weather-wise here. Cold and dark were the hallmarks of summer, and fall hasn’t exactly decided to act much different, though recently it has brought rain in to shake things up a bit. So, literally dark (and, yes, I know what SAD is and that I am fairly strongly affected by it. Like, pretty sure Seattle would kill me strongly affected, and this place is certainly trying to make sure I don’t imagine otherwise), or at least darker than my brain/body want.

And then there is that other darkness.

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No, no. Not her.

The metaphorical one that creates real, physical pain. And real, visible darkness, which is apparently even visible to others right now.  In the end, at least tonight, I think that is what is bothering me most. Not only visible, but troubling to them. I hate that. I hate that I can’t fix me so that I can fix it, and I hate that this is my first impulse: make them feel better! Everything is okay!

So, now what?


*I think I remember why I called her “DD” in these pages, but it was well before I knew some of her story that I know now, and, yeah, it makes me smile. And, no, I’m not telling, but, damn.