One of the truisms of spiritual growth (at least for me) is that it hurts; invariably, I feel far more like I am falling backwards than moving forward. Then, one day, I realize it’s over…something has changed.
We are not there yet, unfortunately. Though, at only two weeks into this particular quest, I don’t see any reason why the dark days should have lifted yet, even if they are awfully dark this time. The bleakness of right now rivals that of the worst of my drinking days–the ones right before I quit. Unfortunately, I can feel everything now; one of the few blessings of active alcoholism is the numbness. Now, not so much.
Time was when I could drink or smoke this away (or at least into submission); I’m at a bit of a loss right now. Apparently, I haven’t gained so much insight into “healthy coping” strategies, or I’m doing a particularly poor job of applying them. So, the “vice-less” approach to darkness is goal number two in this project. I have no illusions that I can completely defeat the darkness, for I have lived with it for far too long (hell, I’m not sure what I would do without the lingering effects of the blues), but I would like to be able to more productively focus them.
I guess I should have seen this coming when I stopped enjoying reading, writing, knitting, and bass playing a few weeks ago. Takes me a while to see when my bleak buddy arrives sometimes, though. As I have mentioned before, staying busy is often the key to getting by for me.
I did call my mother and write to her, though I won’t send the letter until tomorrow morning. I’ve done a series of “scary things,” some of which are a bit silly, I suppose, but they were meaningful to me.
So, that’s where I am in the “Year to Live” project; it wasn’t really a lack of coffee that prevented posting yesterday, so much as the malaise. I’ve unearthed a fair quantity of denial in recent meditations; peculiarly, I am certain of the denial…yet not so certain what exactly it is that I am avoiding. How weird is that? If only a year to live, denial is definitely something to be rid of. Now, if I can only hone in on what I’m hiding from.